


painless

by iwrotestuff



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Angst, Fluff, He doesn't like it, Hurt/Comfort, Koujaku hurts Noiz without knowing, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Noiz Can Feel, Recovery, Rehabilitation, there's no explination for the miracle cure i hope that's okay, there's no real explanation for Noiz's condition anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-02-15 16:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2236332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwrotestuff/pseuds/iwrotestuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only way Noiz can 'feel' anything is when Koujaku digs his nails hard into his skin, when he slams so hard inside of him that Noiz can at least feel the fullness of being together.  They don't mind, Koujaku seems to like rip and tear at Noiz, and the blond can't feel it anyway so it's not a big deal. </p><p>Then Noiz suddenly <em>can</em> feel pain and things change for better or worse.  Basically this is about Noiz dealing with being able to feel and trying to be as he usually is, but of course failing and hurting himself a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. routine

**Author's Note:**

> _routine is part of coping_

 

He was home. That in itself was extremely rare but today he needed the silence and space and this was the only place with both. He leans back and sighs at the holographic screens blinking as they scan the area - it takes longer now with Toue gone but whatever, his servers do their job and that's all that matters. Noiz doesn't mind it most days, this new pace. It has become a chance to relax and take those breaks he doesn't want to take but knows he needs. Many people seemed to think this new routine wasn't for him. Too slow, that his time was being wasted doing nothing. The old man had jokingly said that Noiz is like hyperactive child, but with much less facial expressions and screaming. Noiz had just stared and said nothing - the older man was wrong just like everyone else. Noiz was used to slow. Being confined in room all alone for most of his childhood had been slow. Back then he had nothing but time he could deal with a few hours of nothing. So it is strange when a small sense of anxiety starts to rise up in his stomach. It starts small but escalates quickly to fullness and he can't make it stop. He feels trapped, fidgets on his couch, tugs at the strings of his hat, bites at his lips, pulls at his piercings with his teeth. Nothing makes it stop. Flashes of... something like heat over take him. A touch on the back of his neck - it is vague and filtered like always but he feels it run down his skin.

He feels hot.

_What is this?_

“P!”

One of his all-mate cubes rolls on the table, it bounces with urgency.

“Noiz is overheating! Health points dropping fast!”

“What?”

“Overheating reaching dangerous levels!”

On instinct Noiz follows the warnings his all-mate gives, they were programmed like that for a reason.  Noiz liked to project an image of indestructibility because that's what others seemed to take it as despite no one really understanding what the extent of his condition was. But not being able to feel pain was dangerous and he wasn't stupid. He had to develop a system for self preservation because he didn't have one built into him like everyone else. That's what pain is. A way to survive and Noiz lacked that so he had to create one.

Slowly he takes off his shirt and his top shorts. As an afterthought he pulls his hat off - it is dripping with sweat. He frowns when he runs a hand through his hair and the sweat runs down his neck.

“You should take it easy Noiz.” the cube bounces on the table and then jumps on Noiz's lap. “Your vitals show signs of exhaustion and dehydration.”

Noiz nods slowly, dazed and confused. Before standing up he pulls down his leggings, pauses for a moment before pulling his undershirt off as well. He is left in his boxers - it's still unbearably hot all the sudden and it bothers him.

It's not like he can't 'feel' temperatures but they are always numb and just barely in his grasp of understanding. It's impossible to describe anyway, being able to tell temperatures but not knowing when those temperatures become dangerous. He was used to that but this wasn't like that at all. This had to be related to over working himself which wasn't rare anyway despite this reaction being new. That had to be it.

With a shake of his head Noiz steadies his feet on the floor, his toes crack and stretch on contact. There's a strange feeling of a pull and a pinch when he does that.

_What is happening?_

“Noiz! Noiz!”

He blinks a couple of times to rid himself of the fog of confusion taking over him. The nonstop squealing and yelling at his side doesn't stop until he looks at his all-mate.

“What... what is it?”

“Go cool off! Drink some water! Cold shower!”

Noiz nods dazedly, swallowing down the cool feeling of dread and confusion. He doesn't understand what this is, doesn't get when he stumbles as he walks towards his kitchen for a glass of water or why the temperature of his apartment is so high in contrast with the cold feeling of water. It makes him flinch and recoil. And as sudden as it happens, it just stops.

As if nothing happened in the first place.

His all-mate starts squealing and whining at Noiz, yelling about a shower and why isn't he drinking more water but he can't be bothered to pay attention as he tries to understand what just happened. His head thumps a little, he knows that this is a 'headache' that he can't exactly feel and it doesn't hurt but it is uncomfortable, and that's annoying enough. This sucks and it really could be a lot better but it's normal so Noiz isn't worried about this part, whatever had happened earlier though... that was worrisome. It had been so fast though, he couldn't really make himself worry about it too much. There were others things that were much more important than some weird thing that just happened. Whatever this was, it's probably nothing anyway. Tracking Rhyme matches had become difficult even for someone like Noiz. There was a lot of pressure on him as it was and along with it a lot of buyers, not that he cared about that anyway but it was his job. All of this was stressing him out everything was strange and awkward with Rhyme now, that was true but he couldn't deny that the change in Rhyme had also changed Noiz. Not just Platinum Jail and Aoba, but Noiz as a person has changed as well. So whatever this thing was, this lapse of sensation that he would not even bother to think about anymore. It's nothing to worry about, it was just his body telling him that he was pushing too much, far beyond what it was used to. Everything was fine.

 

-

 

The next day things are back to normal.

It's predictable. As if things would change.

A week later he even forgets about it, it wasn't important anyway. Noiz probably made himself sick after neglecting his well being as usual. Nothing new.

It's raining pretty hard now and Noiz figures it must be cold as well, that numb veil of something that he guesses is supposed to be 'cold' runs over his skin. It's enough to let him know to bundle up but it's just lite rain. He doesn't need to cover up and he doesn't find it annoying like everyone else. The only reason he might be upset about being wet is the old man yelling at him for getting his floors dirty. Then again, he would find anything to yell at Noiz over anyway be it getting his house wet or just Noiz being Noiz.

Their relationship is strange.

They obviously did not like each other when they first met but worked together anyway, Koujaku being obsessed with Aoba and Noiz had nothing better to do, and Aoba was interesting back then. Then after everything was over, Noiz thought that it was done with and he would never see the old man again. Instead, they just... kept running into each other. And Noiz... well, Noiz really liked to piss people off and with the old man it was so easy to do - Koujaku was a fuse just waiting to be lit.

It was violent at first, all of their meetings ended up in blood. It was about who could hurt the other the most, who could leave the deepest cuts, the darkest bruises. Whoever bled the most, hurt the most was the loser but also the winner, it was a contradiction to the fullest. Both have their own advantages - Koujaku has experience and tricks, they are never ending and always managed to catch him off guard. But Noiz can't feel, he just goes on and on, no filter or warning to slow him down. They were and still are, evenly matched.

But now their game has changed.

At first they just fucked and it was angry. So angry and violent, Noiz knows that if he _could_ feel, it would hurt, it would have him sobbing and screaming at the way that Koujaku slams his dick in and out, it's harsh and without mercy but Noiz _can't feel_ , so it's fine. This is his advantage. Koujaku didn't truly understand at first, he seemed scared that he was raping him with how brutally he fucked him, and that made Noiz laugh back then. He didn't explain it then, just said he liked it and called the old man a wimp. The response he got was a growl and his face being pushed down against the pillow. Noiz had won that time. Just because he was the one getting fucked didn't mean he had lost- it's just another way at victory. He can take it- Koujaku would cry and scream, anyone would- but not Noiz.

He can't feel.

Eventually Noiz confesses his advantage and Koujaku stops fucking for a while. His views on it changed Noiz supposed, it went from 'Noiz liked it rough and painful' to 'Noiz can't feel it, he doesn't know how damaging it is'. It is a fair reason, Noiz isn't stupid. But he wants the pressure of fingers digging into his skin. So he explains. And Koujaku understands eventually, and their relationship changes again to... to what they have now.

It's more emotional he thinks, mostly from the old man, but Noiz can't lie to himself about how soft he is becoming around the older man. They don't hit each other anymore at least not to beat the other up but they patch one another after if they are driven to fists. It's the most romantic thing they have going.

This is the pattern now.

Noiz is satisfied with it and as far he knows, so is the old man. It wouldn't change any time soon.

 

-

 

“You're soaked.”

“You're so observant.”

Koujaku clicks his tongue. Noiz pulls off his hat and shakes it, making water spray everywhere.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“It's wet, like you said. I'll get sick you know.”

“Then use a fucking umbrella, brat.”

Like he predicted the old man was going to go on with this all night. Still it was sort of nice to have someone worry about him, someone other than his all-mate that was programmed to care about his well being. He takes off his shoes and pads towards Koujaku's bathroom, the idea of a shower is calling out to him and it sounds nice. Maybe he can get the old man to join...

“Acting like this is your place...”

“I'm here all the time, it might as well be.”

That's met with silence and it makes Noiz frown but he doesn't turn around. His top shirt comes off easily and so do his shorts, but his under shirt and leggings are wet and sticking to his skin, it makes it hard to pull down. While trying to yank his shirt off, his hands slip and stumble. He can't help the frustrated growl that escapes him and goes to try again but now the damn shirt is stuck on his armpits. Koujaku laughs at him from behind.

“The brat can't undress himself?”

Noiz feels his face flush, the temperature that comes from within his own body is always present, it isn't filtered. It's the only thing he feels fully, and while this is from embarrassment, in away, Noiz welcomes it. He isn't being hurt, it's just Koujaku laughing at him. Later Noiz is sure he'll find something to get back at the old man.

“It's spandex and it's wet. You try getting it off...” he mumbles and pouts. Koujaku laughs harder that at but gives him an almost sweet smile and walks up to him, hands gripping at the ends of Noiz's shirt and pull up. The shirt comes off with no problems and when Noiz can see the other man again, he is met with a gentle look that makes warmth explode in his stomach.

Noiz really doesn't mind feeling this especially if it's from a moment like this.

“Do you need help with your pants too?”

“I think I can handle it.”

The older man tilts his head to the side, staring at Noiz's empathetic face before sighing and hooking his thumbs under the top of his leggings and begins to pull down.

“You'll probably trip all over your feet and hit your head.”

Noiz frowns and glares.

“I'm not fucking useless, old man. I've been doing this all by my big self all these years.”

Koujaku doesn't response right away and he pauses his actions as he stares at Noiz. It makes him nervous. The warmth spread all over his body, he is sure his face is red and he waits for the mocking and teasing to start. But instead, the old man looks sad but smiles anyway and pecks him on the cheek.

“I know.”

Noiz doesn't mind the warmth but he can't stand the sweetness and gentleness that Koujaku tries to show him sometimes. He can feel the warmth it brings from within. He will never feel when Koujaku tries to show him with his hands.  But the man knows this as well. Koujaku never seems to mind - Noiz hopes he doesn't because if he did, would he leave?  When the leggings are all the way down to his ankles, Noiz brings a hand to Koujaku's shoulder to balance himself as he pulls them all the way off. He is left in his boxers and when the older man turns around and comes face to face with Noiz's crotch he groans and rolls his eyes.

“You are such a horny brat.”

“It's a natural reaction, jackass. 'sides, I'm a growing boy.”

“Oh my god...” despite all his complaining, Koujaku still goes to pull Noiz towards him, nails digging into his hips hard enough for him to feel it. There would be bruises there later. He can't help but moan as Koujaku rubs his face against Noiz's clothed dick.

As if there was any doubt that this would happen.

So predictable.

 

-

 

They bite.

They scratch and pull and tear at each other. Koujaku more than Noiz because unlike the blond, Koujaku can feel the sting of it. When he bleeds and his skin is sliced by dull nails, that's something the younger man can't relate to but he is conscious that it hurts Koujaku so Noiz doesn't do it. He still wants to hit the older man sometimes, break his nose, step on his toes... but not always and definitely not when they are like this. But the older man never holds back and Noiz appreciates that. Koujaku is really into it, whether he wants to admit it or not, there are many moments when Noiz feels the slap of hands against his ass, which is met with a raised eyebrow that goes ignored until later. Or deep and bruising bites against his neck that always are met with sympathetic winces, his teammates always asking if they are as painful as they look. Noiz just shrugs it off and ignores them.

Koujaku understands that this is the only way Noiz will be able to 'feel' his hands on him, feel his passion and whatever else emotions he is trying to convey. Noiz is afraid for now to know what those might be but maybe someday he won't mind.

For now the breaks of skin and lingering bruises and harsh slap of Koujaku's hips against him are enough.

 

-

 

There is something wrong with his foot.

It's like when Koujaku bites him and he can sort of feel it, except it doesn't feel anywhere near as nice. If anything, it's bothersome and a little painful and that's the part that worries him.

“Oi.” he says at his all-mate cubes scattered around on the old man's bed. He was alone at the moment, Koujaku was working and Noiz was just too damn lazy to go home today, plus it would be a surprise for the other man when he got home right? Noiz could just be naked under the covers when he gets home, maybe jerking off, anything really. It was a game to get fucked sometimes and Koujaku was a bad player... although maybe he liked to lose and give in, Noiz really did not care.

“P!” the cubes all say in unison, squealing and rolling around in front of Noiz, excited to be called upon. “Noiz wants to play!”

“That's not it. I want you to tell me what's wrong with my foot.”

“Aaaaww!” they stop moving, the equivalent of them being sad and disappointed before they start working again. “Scanning!”

Noiz sits with his legs crossed, cracking his toes as he waits. The biting is fading to almost nothing by now. Noiz doesn't know what to think of this. It takes longer than he would have liked but eventually the cubes jump all at once, turning their attention towards Noiz.

“Scanning complete! There is nothing wrong with Noiz!”

He frowns at that.

“There is.”

“No there isn't! We concluded that all of Noiz's vitals are O.K.! And there is no body harm either! You're fine!”

There's this sense of falling taking over him, like he can't catch himself in his panic and just falls and falls, but worse he doesn't know the reason as to why. He can't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, it makes his stomach twist and turn and it doesn't stop even when Koujaku comes home. There's no energy in him when the old man calls for him, he doesn't move from where he is laying on the bed when Koujaku walks into the room, asking if there's anything wrong. Noiz doesn't even react when the feel of rough hands grasp at his shoulder, twisting his body so he could face Koujaku's concerned face.

“Noiz?”

The man in question just stares back, unsure of what to say, of what to do because what was there to do? What the hell was going on with him? It seemed a little ridiculous of him to be so upset over being able to... to feel his foot, out of all things. It wasn't a permanent thing anyway, right? Things wouldn't change because this wasn't something that would just go away. This is something that was with him for the rest of his life, and whatever this was, it would stop soon, so he had to man up and stop crying like a child. Still...

“Noiz, what's-”

“Hey... what is it when your foot- when it feels like someone is biting your foot?”

Koujaku blinks at him.

“What?”

Noiz licks his lips, composes himself to not let anything give away, to not let Koujaku know the depth of this question. It's hard when his insides are layered in icy nervousness.

“When your foot... or anything, I dunno, but when it... feels like someone is biting it or whatever, what's that mean?”

“Why... what? ”

“Someone in my team was talking about it. I don't get it.” He lies quickly. At least this was a skill he was good at- Koujaku was a terrible liar and even worse at being able to spot one.

“Oh... well,” he pauses to think as he lays on the bed, his head being propped up by hand, his other hand comes to rest on Noiz's hip. He can't help but twitch a little, but it goes unnoticed. “That's a weird way to describe it, but I think they meant that their foot fell asleep.”

That wasn't the answer Noiz was excepting to be honest. He had been waiting for some horrible disease or at least something much more dramatic.

"Asleep?"

“Yeah. If you sit on it or something like that, yeah, it falls asleep and it feels like little bites, I guess. I think it feels like needles, but I guess biting works too.”

“Oh.” is all Noiz can say as he stares at the wall.

Koujaku stays with him for a while, clearly worried but knowing that Noiz wouldn't let until he felt like talking about it. At least the old man was good at that sort of thing.  So instead he ruffles Noiz's head and says he's going to shower, and the moment the man is gone, Noiz gets dressed as his hands shake with something like fear, and he is gone before Koujaku even notices it. He runs most of the way, and almost trips when the muscles on his thighs don't want to move, they clamp up and lock and rip. It scares him but he forces himself to keep running despite the sting and roaring of pumping blood in his ears. He feels both hot and cold- the coldness wins over when Noiz realizes that what he feels reminds him of the pain he can feel in Rhyme.

And it isn't until he's almost back at his own apartment that Noiz realizes that he had felt Koujaku's hand when he had placed it on his hip.

 


	2. SCN9A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noiz needs to know if this is permanent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _-the 'SCN9A' gene mutations that cause congenital insensitivity to pain-_

He calls Koujaku because he has to. The man has been pretty annoyed at Noiz for just leaving the other day, but it wasn't like it was anything new anyway, so what was the big deal? Noiz leaves without saying anything all the time, it's a fact of life that the old man should just get used to, but he is sure that the anger also comes from how Noiz was acting before the other man went to shower. Koujaku was worried about him and Noiz just took off. He gets it, he really does, but he doesn't know how to deal with someone actually caring about his well being, especially someone like Koujaku. But this is also part of their routine, this game of hide and seek they play. It never lasts long anyway, Noiz isn't as good at this game as he used to be, and the old man couldn't hold back his worry. Of course Noiz was fully aware that he was going to make it worse now, with him leaving for a couple of days if not longer. It's not like he wants to leave, but he needs to get this... thing that's happening sorted out and for that Noiz needs to go back to Germany for a few days. He has to, he needs to hear a doctor tell him that this is just a fluke and that nothing was changing. What he has isn't something that fixes itself.

It's genetic.

It has no cure.

There's just something wrong with his genes and his brain and his nerves are fucking shot - one little strand of genetic material that makes him different- just that one fucking thing, but it's there and it's part of who he is now. It's unfixable. They told him this for years, to his parents who tried to fix it, not for Noiz but because it was an embarrassment. Noiz was an embarrassment and he couldn't be patched up then, what was the difference now? Back then, all alone in his room, he had wished it could be different, that there _was_ a miracle cure but that hope died a long time ago- he was used to this. His body was used to the abuse and the hurt that didn't actually hurt. His body didn't betray him.

Not like this.

Not being able to feel shit was part of who Noiz was, and if that was gone, then who the fuck was he?

So nothing was going to change. Everything would stay on its routine, never-changing cycle of being reckless and getting into fights, with bruises on top of bruises and dried blood in his hair, and Koujaku will still bite and tear at his skin until it finally scars because the damn bastard likes to be rough with him, no matter what the hell he says.

So for his piece of mind, Noiz was going to Germany and meet with some of his old doctors.

He needs to know.

This is why he has to let Koujaku know he won't be around for a few days. If he just disappears without a word, he might try to track him down and while Koujaku isn't the best with technology, he does have Aoba and he isn't so fucking useless.

His reasoning is a lie though. He just... he wants Koujaku to know he isn't ignoring him.

Noiz takes a deep breath, feels his lungs fill up and deflate. That's not new, but the small prickling feeling at his eyes - and that's not new either, but being able to feel the layer of wetness at his eyes that makes them feel dry for some reason, that is new.

“Where are you going?”

Noiz swallows, he didn't know what lie he was making up.

“I gotta take care of some bullshit you wouldn't care about.”

It's simple enough.

“Is that right?” Koujaku doesn't sound convinced but he holds his tongue. For the most part Noiz is glad Koujaku doesn't care too much about his life outside of their relationship, but part of him wishes that the older man would pry and Noiz doesn't know what to do about that.

“Yeah so.. I'll see you in a week or something.”

There's a long pause and Noiz is about to hang up when Koujaku speaks.

“Hey.”

“...what?”

“Don't... don't do anything stupid.”

“Whatever.”

“I'm serious.”

Noiz fidgets with this tongue piercing, hears it clink in his head as always, but he briefly _feels_ the clinking in his fucking teeth- is that even a thing? Was that normal? He doesn't like it so he bites at his fingernails instead, tearing at the skin around it. He feels nothing there and it gives him hope that won't last, this short interlude of sensation.

“It's just business, old man.”

“Business, huh? Well... could you-” there's an abrupt pause followed by a grunt. “Let me know when you get to wherever is that you're going?”

The feeling of warmth in his chest is familiar but it's multiplied and he doesn't hate it but does scare him. He never knew people felt so much. It makes him wonder if he has ever made Koujaku feel like this.

“Sure.”

“Okay then. I'll... I'll see you later.”

“Yeah... see you.”

 

-

Noiz hates Germany.

He hates what it represents in his memories, he hates it because his parents are here, he hates it because- just fucking because. The only good thing is that his brother is here somewhere but Noiz knows he can't go to him, not now. Maybe someday he could.

But now he can't - not for this.

It's easy to track down the doctors that his parents took him to, it's just a hustle to get them to talk to him without questions- he figures he has to bribe them at the end which is not a problem but it's troublesome. Noiz is a legal adult for fuck's sake, he doesn't need his parents permission to see his own medical records, much less get information about his condition. But the chances of them contacting his parents was high and the last thing he wanted was to see them. Like they would anyway, but like hell he would risk it. There had been multiple doctors his parents had taken him to, and many of those actually were not around- one was actually dead out of all things, and two others were in other countries. But there was one of them still in Germany and it was one that Noiz remembered. He had been the last one to check Noiz out before his parents gave up. The doctor is shocked to hear from him and asks what happened, why had he stop coming, why didn't his family ever pick up when he had called them. In a way, Noiz is touched that the man tried for years to get a hold of them, but the interest had to be more about the condition itself, rather than Noiz. This is fine. Noiz isn't looking for someone of his past to give a damn, he just wants to know why his condition is changing.

So he tries to bribe the doctor, who gives him a confused but respectful look, and says he doesn't need to do that, and agrees to give him a physical and see what changes the years have brought on. This is something Noiz never liked, even if he had not been able to feel it. Needles poking him, people touching him... Now he feels it, and it is disgusting, the feeling of this man's hands on his arm. The doctor says nothing as Noiz twitches and flinches at the touch of his hands against his skin, but he looks fascinated at Noiz's sharp gasp as he draws blood from him. He wants to run test, he wants to find out why this is happening, he keeps going on and on about how incredible this is. Noiz wants to punch him.

“You aren't the only case anymore.” The doctor says, his fingers typing away at something - Noiz is putting his clothes back on. “The are older cases of your condition as well, in more remote countries.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. It's still very rare and we don't know anything about it except what you already know.... there are just more....'techniques' to deal with it now.”

Noiz perks up at that.

“What do you mean?”

“Parents taking precautions. Safety around the house, teaching them how to cope... it isn't perfect, but it's good to have someone else to talk about it. A way to fix it would be much better, and hey,” The doctor pauses to look at Noiz. He looks excited. “With you... now there might be a chance.”

If the man wanted a response, he wasn't going to get one. It's quiet for the rest of the tests.

Noiz has to wait a few days for results.

 

-

 

He isn't called back for more tests. The doctor just says that he sees nothing too different, just that his body has adapted a way to fix what was wrong. There's no answer for it as of now. He says that he would like to study this some more, to find out for the other families, give their children hope. The words he uses are obvious, he wants Noiz to feel for the others that are going to grow up like him. It does make him sick to think of someone else going through the alienation that he went through but these children have people that care about them. Noiz can't help but be bitter.

He agrees anyway because he isn't that much of an asshole, as long as he doesn't have to stay here whatever the doctor wants to do is fine with Noiz.

After he agrees to help, the doctor is quiet for a long time. Then he speaks.

“Whatever is happening with you, it is permanent. I don't understand how this is happening yet, but this is how it's going to be from now on. You should be happy.”

It feels like the air has been sucked out of the room, it becomes difficult to breath and it hurts, it fucking hurts, but this is familiar. He knows this pain that comes from within, understands it better than most but the constriction of lungs, the stinging eyes, the dry lips, his throat throbbing, this is unfamiliar.

There was no denying it anymore. This was real. This was final.

Noiz could feel now and things had lost their routine.

 

-

 

He wakes up to the feel of soft sheets and the sunlight warming his skin. The feeling of comfort and warmth is a good one, but it is something he has never felt before and that's what makes him recoil. The sunlight is bright against his eyes, he has to shut them close at the stinging sensation. Then the feeling is suddenly muted on most of his body, minus parts of his hands and his feet. It is strange. It was like patches of his skin worked, while the others didn't. It makes him wonder if that's how it would be, or if it would take some time for all of his body to catch up. The doctor had no real answers to that, just gave him warnings to take things easy. Take his time learning his new limits - he had asked if Noiz had someone back home who could help, and he thought of Koujaku for a split second but that was not happening. The last person he wanted to know about this was the old man. Hell, he didn't want anyone who knew of his condition to know. There was no doubt in his mind that he would be treated different. Noiz could see it now, everyone treating him like some fragile thing that needed to be babied and looked after. He could see Aoba trying to talk about it, coaxing him slowly into spilling everything, and Noiz wasn't confident in himself to actually being able to hold out. Aoba had that effect on people; he was the only person Noiz truly feared. And Koujaku... he wouldn't want him anymore. The old man was a good person, he would stay around, would want to help Noiz deal with his new body, but when it came down to it, the glue that kept them together was that underlining of violence. Koujaku had a monster underneath his skin and Noiz was his outlet because he could take it. They didn't do sweet and gentle. And while it was pathetic of him, Noiz had become too attached to the one person who stuck with him despite his condition. There was no doubt in Noiz that Koujaku would just... stop wanting to be with him if he knew. So no, Noiz would not say anything as long as he could. He refused to lose the good things he had in his life, the people who accepted Noiz for who he was.

In a fit, he pushes himself off the bed and glares across the room. His licks his lips, the sensation is weird. It's wet and sticky. He bites at them.

They fucking sting.

He stands up with shaky legs and stumbles- he can feel the carpet under his feet. Soft. Earlier, back at Koujaku's place days ago, he had felt the hard wood of the floor but denied it to himself, pretended that it wasn't real but now he knows.

He feels overly sensitive. The world is too bright, too loud, too strong for him.

The steps he takes are slow and calculating as he walks out of the hotel bedroom and towards the small kitchen area. This had been a hurried trip, he hadn't brought anything with him besides a few changes of clothes, and his all-mate and he had everything packed, not wanting to be in Germany for more than necessary. He is becoming aware of everything now - his clothes rub against his body, warm and comforting. His hat makes him conflicted, he wants it off because he feels a little hot but he feels secure with it on. Noiz figures a little discomfort must be normal and in his case, maybe necessary so he leaves it on. Pulling his shoes on is strange. The doorknob is cold. The hallway towards the lobby is freezing- why the fuck was it so cold? The outside is hot though, and the change in temperature makes him recoil, which is strange because he has always been able to tell temperatures but he couldn't feel the discomfort before and now he can. It's not something he could even hope to describe to someone, let alone understand it himself. He takes it for what it is, figuring that this is better for his sanity and hails a taxi.

The car ride makes him 'dizzy'.

The large lines at the airport make him sweat and tremble slightly. Too many bodies all around, the possibility of touch makes him shake.

The plane taking off is a terrible experience - he could always feel the dropping of his stomach, a thrill he indulged in - now it's paired up with nausea.

The landing is worse than the taking off, it leaves him in tears that refuse to fall as he stares out the window. He hold it together until he is off the plane, walks as fast as he can and for the first time feels the limitations of his body as it tires and slows down on him, but he makes it to the restroom before he vomits all over himself. It's a few minutes before he stops and by the time he does, it's just clear liquid coming out, it's acidic and it burns his throat. A man comes to him as he comes out of the stall and gives him a paper towel. He looks sympathetic.

“I get the same when I land.”

Noiz says nothing but nods at the man, accepting the paper towel. He just wants to go home.

And when he makes it home, it is cold and empty. Just like always. But now he can almost feel the loneliness from the coolness of the living room, wrapping itself around him. He wants warmth. He wants things to go back to how they used to be, but he despairs because he knows it won't, it will never be same ever again.


	3. denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not like he could hide this forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _you can't change what you don't acknowledge_

 

The first thing he does when he makes it back to his apartment, is to take a shower. It calms him down if only for a little while. He has always been able to 'feel' heat and cold but the idea of 'too hot' or 'too cold', that has always been a world he could never understand. But now he can. The warm water feels nice, so he turns it up. Then that burns, he scrambles to turn it down again, learning slowly that there's a limit here he needs to learn. The heat spreads to his limbs and his core, it warms and relaxes him. It's the best he's felt in days. He feels his muscles loosen up, the steam trapped in the shower cubicle grips him. Protects him from what is going on, keeps him safe in this small space; a small layer over his skin, almost like his old self, but better because it's warm. Then it becomes too much, it is suffocating and stuffy. He feels dizzy and weak. He can't breath.

Noiz slides the shower panel open and steps out. The room spins, it takes him a moment to steady his feet against the floor, too much effort not to slip on the wet tile. Stumbling, he opens the bathroom door towards his bedroom, not bothering with a towel. The coolness of his room hits his naked flesh, goosebumps rising across his skin, it's a weird feeling. He is cold and wet, he knows he should go get a towel to dry himself, but he is so very tired. Instead, Noiz throws himself on the bed, the sheets soaking up the streams of water running down his body. Pulling the comforter over his body, he curls up. It doesn't help since he's wet, but it helps him feel secure at least. It's enough.

And then, it's not.

It's uncomfortable.

Nothing feels right. So he gets up and dries off because he has to. He always had to, but he never did before. All these extra steps he always saw as unnecessary.

Hunger hits and he can't make himself leave his apartment, there's too much stimulation out there, so he orders a pizza instead. When the delivery boy passes the box to him, Noiz almost drops it. It's hot. So is the food, he realizes when he bites down. It burns his mouth, his lips and his gums. He could always feel with his tongue, so heat in his food wasn't new, but now it extends all the way down to his guts. He fills a glass with water and drinks it. It's so cold, it makes his teeth – his fucking teeth – hurt. They are sensitive. Why? Why the hell did his teeth hurt? Was that normal?

The lump in his throat hurts. He can't swallow around it no matter how hard he tries.

The feelings come and go throughout the day. For an hour, he can't feel and it makes him smile, it makes him fear, hate, scream, dread. Then they come back in the form of an itchy arm, and that scares him - it elevates him. His legs cramp up when he sits for too long, his neck hurts from hunching over, and then it doesn't. He's cold, then he's warm and then both.

It's overwhelming.

-

There is rhyme business to be done, so Noiz works on that. His team and employers flock to him once they realize he is back. They are desperate, bored, and angry.

“ _Why did you leave?”_

“ _You didn't say anything?”_

“ _You're late.”_

“ _Thank goodness you're back.”_

Noiz tells them all to fuck off.

He drowns himself into his work, only getting up to use the bathroom or to eat. He pretends; it is easy, it's how he always has been. A voice whispers to him, calls him a coward. Noiz doesn't deny it,but he can't hide forever. The news of his return travels fast and before he knows it, Koujaku calls him.

“Why didn't you say you were back?”

“Busy.”

“Tch. You should have said something. I-” he pauses, then clears his throat. “I missed you.”

The skip of heartbeat is normal. That happens with the old man always, it is normal. The warmth and the butterflies are nothing new. Noiz could feel that before, every single time but now... now it takes his breath away.

“Brat?”

“I... I'm sorry.”

Koujaku doesn't say anything a first, but there's a clear sound of a gasp. Noiz wants to take it back. He never says stuff like that.

“N-no... that's,” Koujaku chuckles nervously, he's out of his element too. “It's fine. I was... I want to see you.”

_Stop it._

“I...” He wants to say he can't. He can't because he's changing. Koujaku won't want him like this, because the older man likes to tear at him, and scratch and pull, and Noiz can't do those things without crying and screaming now. “I can't today.”

“Oh.” he sounds disappointed. Noiz wants to take it back.

“Tomorrow.” He wants to take that back too.

“Yeah?”

_No._

“Yeah, that's... that's fine.”

_You won't like me. I'm weak, you wanted strong, you wanted to hurt-_

“Alright.” Koujaku sounds so fucking glad. Noiz can already see him smiling in his head and it makes his face burn and his stomach is like a hurricane instead of wimpy butterflies. “I'll see you tomorrow. Come hungry, I'll make you dinner.”

“Pasta.”

“I'll surprise you.”

“I like pasta.”

_Stop it._

“Enough already. I'll see you later, kid.”

Noiz doesn't say anything back, he just hangs up and slumps on his couch. There's a strange pull at his throat, like something is coming up, followed by a sour and bitter taste touches his tongue, and he realizes that he's about to vomit. Last time he had not felt the contractions in his throat, he just knew he had to. It makes him want to laugh, but instead presses his lips together and runs to the toilet, knees skid on the bathroom floor as he almost misses the toilet. It takes like pizza.

-

When he gets to Koujaku's place the next day, Noiz's body is unfeeling.

There must be a God, Noiz thinks, since this is what he had been hoping for all day. He takes an insane moment to pray for that to last the rest of the night, because he just can't even think to deal with this today, if ever. He knocks on the door, and he only waits a moment before it opens, like the older man had been standing next to the door, just waiting for that knock. Noiz wants to make fun of him, it's what he would usually do but the sight of Koujaku looking so damn happy to see him as he pulls Noiz into an affectionate hug, he can't make himself say anything. The pressure of the hug is something he is used to. This is fine.

“What's wrong?”

Noiz slightly jumps and looks up. The old man looks worried, raises his hand to pull on the strings of his beanie. The younger male can't help but scowl back as he pulls it back up, and that makes the tension disappear.

“Don't do that.”

“You're cute.”

Now Noiz glares while trying to ignore the blush that spreads all over his face and it makes Koujaku laugh at him, reaching over to pull him inside.

“Can't you take a compliment? Being called cute is a good thing.”

“No it isn't.”

They continue bickering as they walk inside, Noiz sits on one of the kitchen counters watching Koujaku finish up. He slithers his body a bit to see what the old man made and when he sees, his heart jumps again.

It's pasta.

And just like that, Noiz can feel the cool surface of the kitchen counter against his bandaged hands.

-

He is careful while in Koujaku's presence. When he goes to eat, he blows on the pasta before slurping it up, making sure that it isn't too hot because him freaking out over hot food would be strange. Most of the time the other man would scowl at him for eating hot foods so fast anyway, so he needs to be that, but he also needs to not burn himself. Luck is on his side tonight, Koujaku isn't paying attention to his eating habits. He seems more interested in talking about mundane things.

“I saw Aoba today.”

“Did you?”

“Hm.” Koujaku pauses to chew. He waves his hand as he swallows, inpatient to continue. “He was with Ren. They were just walking around and they asked me how you were.”

“That's nice. Tell him to fuck off.”

“Don't be a dick.”

“There's nothing wrong with being a dick.”

“Of course.” Koujaku laughs and Noiz smirks. “You done?”  
“Hm.”

Koujaku rolls his eyes, but picks up the dirty dishes and walks towards the kitchen, leaving Noiz alone for a few minutes. While he's gone, the blond tries to catch his breath. His attitude has been easy going but it's been anything but that. How didn't the old man notice his shaking in stress, or the few times he didn't cool his pasta enough and he flinched? His gums don't seem to like hot foods, and he just finds it so strange to have to discover things like that. How did people live their lives like this?

The older man comes back with an easy walk, gives him a lazy smile and beacons him forward. Noiz sighs but gets up anyway – the old man was acting weird tonight. Both were, but at least Noiz knew what was his own deal. Koujaku was a mystery.

“What?”

“Hey now,” Koujaku smirks and suddenly pulls on Noiz's arm, so close that they are just a breath away. Noiz can feel his heart about to burst out of his chest. “I haven't seen you in days. Be nice.”

“I'm never nice.”

“Don't I know it.”

And then.

Then, Koujaku pulls him all the way and wraps his arms around him.

It takes his breath away.

He wonders if Koujaku can feel the speed his heart is going at, or the fact that he has stopped breathing. With shaky hands, he grasps at the other man's kimono, buries his face between the other's neck and shoulder, and bites his lip to resist the urge to breath in. There's too much feeling in this, too much safety and heat and touch. His skin feels too much, like a wound that bleeds and stings, it almost becomes painful. It feels like they're melting, like they are so hot together they will melt and fuse and never separate. Noiz knows his face is red, he can feel it all the way up to the roots of his hair, and it spread all the way down his body, he tries to hide against Koujaku – he needs to hide. This is too much.

“You can be so cute sometimes.”

“Shut up, old man.” It takes a lot out of him to keep his voice neutral.

“Case and point.” Koujaku laughs, but doesn't let go.

Being held felt nice anyway. Warm. He could see why the older man would force this once in a while. This was an indulgence for the old man because Noiz couldn't feel it, and it ended with the blond growing bored of it and pushing for other things. There never was a pay off for him in the end, because while it was nice to be held and cuddled with (and he would deny this to his grave), when it came down to it, he couldn't feel it. But now... now he could. He could feel how amazing this could be beyond the feeling of safety and being wanted. Physical affection had been different for him after all. Koujaku had understood and had no reservations on the matter, if anything Noiz thinks he opened a brand new world to the other man. A side of himself he didn't know he had, or perhaps hid away – Koujaku had secrets, and Noiz thinks that maybe those secrets are violent, and by that, Noiz became his outlet for that violence. It was probably fucked up to others, if they knew, but Noiz liked being needed, even if it was for something so basic.

Koujaku grew bored of just holding him though because suddenly Noiz is looking up at the ceiling, with the other man hover over him on the couch. As reflex, Noiz almost pulls him down against him once more, wanting to have the pressure and heaviness of his muscled body on top of his smaller frame. He wanted to learn how this could work and feel Koujaku's heat because Noiz had been cold for so long. He wanted to know the feeling of scarred fingers running through his hair, caressing his face; he would let the old man touch him wherever he wanted, do anything and everything.

But he can't. He can't ask for those things because that's not what the old Noiz would do. The old Noiz can't feel anything, and that's the Noiz the older man has always craved and asked for.

So he does nothing as Koujaku lowers down to nibble at his throat. It's nice, and Noiz wants to snort at the description his brain comes up with, but he really can't think at the moment, all he can do is take and bask on this. He bites at his lips, pulls on his piercing to distract himself, and it works a little but not for long.

Koujaku comes back up, trailing small bites at his jaw until he reaches his mouth.

This might as well be his first kiss. The thought makes him tremble and cling at the man on top, screw whatever he makes of it. Koujaku seems a little taken back by Noiz's reaction but says nothing of it, and instead deepens the kiss.

The sensation is familiar but also very different. The feeling of a tongue against his is nothing new, for he has always felt that, the cool and sometimes smoke laced taste of the older man's mouth is the same. But now he can feel that tongue trace his gums, pressing against the inside of his cheeks, the clash of teeth that should hurt but doesn't. Soft lips that glide over his own chapped ones linger and pull, it is so intimate. So much contact... Noiz is overpowered, he can't breath so pulls away for a moment, to catch his breath and he worries that this will seem strange, but Koujaku is a little gone by now and all he does is pull Noiz back in. He becomes self conscious over that, he sneaks his hands between their chests and pushes in a teasing manner, and it works to keep the old man at a bit of a distance, but it also makes the kiss harsh, desperation seeping in. Noiz lets himself go because he's human, and so does Koujaku - both are too gone to think about any weirdness going on between the two of them.

The feelings come and go and Noiz comes to dread the absence of sensation as they kiss. His left hand is unfeeling for the most part, but his right one is on fire and that's the one he drags through black locks of hair, while the other keeps their bodies apart. Most of his body hums between overbearing heat and cool numbness, it swirls all and crashes in waves and sparks throughout his skin. It's agonizing. The worst part is the words that come with the heat – praises and admissions of feelings Noiz is not sure he could ever voice out loud. They are words he has thought about before, like when Koujaku was making pasta earlier, or when they are holding each other at night, or just one stupid smile sent his way. They are words that almost come out after sex, but he is always able to hold them back.

Now like this, he is finding it almost impossible to keep them in. He feels helpless, too hypersensitive for this, he knows he needs to seep himself into all of this slowly but he can't.

He can't ruin this. He can't face making all of this a reality. With the good, comes the bad, he drills it into his head that these feelings are amazing and so full of warmth, but along with this, the ability to control himself fades, and Noiz has spent all of his life hiding and controlling himself.

A small part of himself admits that he isn't hiding because of Koujaku.

He's hiding from himself as well.

Suddenly, the raven jerks away from Noiz, eyes full of lust glide over the blond's body before trapping his wrists in one large hand holding him down. A spike of arousal travels throughout his body but it's muted by fear at being helpless in this situation. For a moment he thinks of protesting and stopping Koujaku, but when their eyes meet a wave of want crushes his logic down and he actually forgets why he wanted to stop in the first place.

Everything is a haze as the old man nibbles on his neck again, he lets himself feel and indulge because it _does_ feel good, it's more than he ever thought it could be. A small part of him can't help but feel it's a shame this isn't something more to ceremonious, something with more meaning because when it comes down to it, this is in some sort of twisted way, Noiz's _first time_. And he wants to snort at that, because it is so ridiculous to even think it but also he can't help but feel giddy about it. It's perfect. Everything about this is perfect.

Koujaku moves on from his neck, letting go of his wrists as he moves down his torso. Those two hands are everywhere, Noiz can't make himself pick one to concentrate on, so instead he lets himself feel and let go. Those scared hands and those soft lips travel everywhere, but when they reach below his navel, Noiz about loses it. He had no idea he was so sensitive there, how his nerve endings spark and send his entire body on fire. It takes all of his will power to not yank his hips up, to pin himself down onto the couch; it helps that Koujaku is holding his lower half down. He barely feels those hands drag down his pants and underwear, all he can feel is heat and lust over take his mind. What he feels on the skin of his legs is partly muted, and only patches on his thighs are coming alive-

He suddenly gasps and bites his lips as hard as he can to keep the whimper from escaping. Koujaku bit him, Noiz can literally feel the man's jaw locked onto his side, teeth digging into his flesh without reservation.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

“A-ahh...h-hey-!” he tries to say something but Koujaku is not listening. He's busy biting at the edge of his pelvic bone area, teeth digging into flesh as hard as his jaw lets him. Noiz can feel the blood on his skin. Those gentle hands from earlier are dragging harshly down his thighs and up again towards his stomach. Noiz struggles against the body holding him down but Koujaku is bigger and stronger, and this isn't new, Noiz struggling in bed but the context is different. This is the game they play. Noiz trashes and fights just to get the old man to be harsh and violent, but now it's real, Noiz really does want to get away, and Koujaku doesn't know that. He's suddenly scared.

The bites become more desperate and deeper and harsher as Koujaku comes closer to between his legs. His eyes fly open.

No. Oh no.

There's a small part of Noiz's brain that taunts him about him always asking for this, and that Koujaku was still so reluctant to do this for him, he only never stopped when they were desperate, like now. This is what would follow in their script, why would the older man even question it? He nibbles painfully on the edge where his thigh meets his groin and it's coming it's fucking coming. He freezes in fear, it's something that has never happened to him before, it binds him and he braces himself because he can't speak and he can't move and he pleads and begs in his mind but Koujaku just-

Bites down.

Noiz gasps for a second because it's just blinding. It's blinding and crippling, and it knocks the air out of him like he had been punched, like the air had been sucked out of the room; he can't breath. It winds him up for an eternity that is probably only but a second, and when the world starts turning again, the whimper and yelp that forces itself out is pathetic, and it goes unnoticed right up until Noiz kicks and trashes at Koujaku, one of his uncoordinated kicks catching the raven across the face.

The man grunts and his jaw unlocks enough to let go, but his teeth scrape at his dick on the way, it stings and _hurtshurtshurts_ , he can't hold in the sob that rips from his throat, is barely able to force his body to fucking move.

To go anywhere else that's far from this moment.

It's a staggering step, his feet slip and trip as he tries to run away to another area of the apartment. The older man says something, it's confused and angry, but Noiz can't hear it over the roaring and ringing in his ears. It takes an eternity to reach Koujaku's bedroom and then into the connected bathroom. His hands shaking so bad, he can't get a grip on the handle but he does eventually, fingers weak and numb as he yanks the door open. To close the door, he uses his body to side the door closed; the wood creaks and squeaks as Noiz presses down as hard as he can. With clumsy fingers, he snaps the lock and stands there frozen staring at the door, almost as if it would just open by itself. His hands fly to his crotch and just hover over it helplessly because the pain is too much to do anything.

The humiliation of what happened finally starts to set in, because out of all things that could happen, this had to be it. Because it was more than just the fact that Koujaku bit down on his dick, this is what drove home the fact that Noiz was regaining his sense of touch. It wasn't just about Koujaku, it was also about nineteen years of living one way and then suddenly things become completely different and he's alone in this. He truly is because why would anyone be so against being able to feel? Shouldn't he be fucking glad, like the doctor had said? They didn't get it. No one did, and no one ever would.

There's no stopping the snort of laughter that slowly fades into full out sobbing, it drowns out Koujaku pounding at the door, yelling and asking _'what the fuck was that for_ ', but then he stops. Koujaku could probably hear him crying, and he is proven right when the yelling turns panicked and worried.

“Noiz! Open the door!”

Noiz shakes his head even though Koujaku can't see it, and slides down onto the bathroom floor, curling up into a ball, trying to find footing in this situation that had been in fear from the first moment he realized what was happening.

There was no denying it anymore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm probably going to rework this chapter sometime... i'm not happy with the ending. i also took the liberty to fix some things from the previous chapters, nothing too major, just some errors and missing points that I had notes about but didn't add for some reason...


	4. breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you breakdown and then the calm comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait! I got so very busy with college and my big girl job and just stuff in general. This chapter was supposed to be longer but the second part to it felt very disconnected, so they have been split. Next chapter might be the last one unless the two parts don't mix well like this chapter D: which I think might be the case.

When he finally gathers enough air in his lungs and it doesn't feel like the world was spinning under his feet, Noiz stumbles up in daze and accidentally knocks things out of the cabinet to his side. He steps on a can of something, probably some hair product or other that Koujaku owns and for some reason, it sends him off the deep end. Maybe it's because it kind of hurt or just because it's in his way of stomping and tripping but he picks it up in a haze and throws it across the bathroom. It hits with an echoing thump. After that he can't make himself stop from trashing the rest of the room. His head is filled with white noise. The roaring of pumping blood mutes out the pounding and yelling from the other side of the door – whether Koujaku is still out there or just gave up is not something Noiz knows or really cares about. The next object he picks up to throw around is something heavier and he smashes against the wall in front of him, but as the object makes contact with the wall he realizes that it's not a wall but a mirror and it shatters around his hands. He almost wants to laugh because it's something completely out of a movie, smashed mirror shards and cut hands. They don't hurt but he is enraptured as he watches the sharp edges slice the skin on the palm of his hands leaving red trails that ebb slowly into a stream that runs down his arm and onto the floor. The sight of blood is what stops his destruction of the bathroom. It gives him pause and a moment to gather up what happened in the last... last minutes, or was it hours? Days?

He licks his lips in nervousness and notices that they aren't sticky like last time, but they are moist and wet with sweat or maybe even tears. He isn't sure of what is going on around him anymore. He is so distracted by that realization that he almost falls over when the door suddenly opens with a quiet click, followed by muted steps. It has to be Koujaku, probably trying to gather his wits around his destroyed bathroom, or the fact that Noiz kicked him or just Noiz in general. The older man isn't cruel, if anything he is worried to death at this point, and could care less about the state of his bathroom. It's irrational for Noiz to think that the old man would kick him out and tell him to go, but the thought is there and it eats at his chest in anxiety. He's scared of what Koujaku will say. Of what he _won't_ say.

A warm and large hand comes to rest on his shoulder. It feels like it's almost not there almost like how Noiz used to not feel, a state of there but not there, and he suddenly misses that and despairs at the thought that the feeling of thickness and haziness over his skin is forever gone. But then the pressure of warm hands is sure and strong as it spreads all over his body and questioning fingers glide down to his bicep and gently tug at him, asking him without words to turn around. Noiz closes his eyes and exhales. He has no choice – he's cold and hurting. It isn't going away.

He keeps his eyes looking at the floor as he turns towards Koujaku, who is being gentle without saying a word. He does gasp at something before leaving for a moment. Noiz never looks up or says anything and isn't sure how long Koujaku is gone, but eventually he does feel something warm wrapping around his body. It's one of Koujaku's kimonos. Gently, the most gentle Koujaku has ever been with him, he wraps the hand that's bleeding with a towel. When it's over, Koujaku pulls at the sleeve of the kimono and without saying anything still, leads Noiz towards the bedroom and pushes him down to the bed. Noiz still won't look at Koujaku, he's embarrassed, he's angry, he's humiliated and a thousand other things he never knew he could feel towards one person. Above all of that, he can't help but feel the strong surge of affection and... and whatever that burning feeling over his heart is. All for this ridiculous but caring man that was still looking after him. It makes no sense to Noiz. Koujaku never makes sense.

The room is quiet as Koujaku doesn't move away from the bedside. Noiz buries his face into the pillow, hoping the man would just leave or lay down, but instead he ruffles his hair and walks away towards the bathroom, probably to try and tackle the destruction Noiz left behind. He sighs when Koujaku disappears into the bathroom.

His body is sore and hurt.

It makes him wonder, think and come to terms that this is a little of what Koujaku has been so afraid of that first time they had sex. It makes Noiz hate himself for making that fear into a reality. Noiz didn't know anything about Koujaku's past but he knew it was violent. It would come out sometimes, or rather Noiz would force it out but it was there already, always underneath the surface of black painted skin that Koujaku hated and despised, underneath inked in flowers that covered up something dark and horrible. Noiz didn't know what it was but he knew it was there. And now Noiz had added another terror to this man's life.

It was enough to make him want to jump off the bed and just run out, but the soreness overtaking his body was stronger and it won over the haze in his brain. It was a rough sleep.

-

When he wakes up, it's to the feeling of a body pressing against his back. The situation wasn't abnormal or anything like that, but this was the first time he could feel Koujaku's entire frame engulfing his. It was such an amazing warmth, it almost lulls him back to sleep. He flexes his toes and they crack and stretch painfully. He clears his throat a couple of times because it hurts for some reason he can't remember, maybe he _was_ crying last night or screaming and howling at the bathroom walls, he really can't remember.

 

His struggling wakes Koujaku up. Scorching arms rub against his overly sensitive skin before settling loosely around his chest. They don't say anything. Noiz stares across the room, trying to come up with things to say or how to explain to the old man what happened, try to be firm in explaining that Koujaku did nothing wrong and that it was all Noiz being an idiot. It's going to hurt them both, this admission is going to ruin lots of things. He couldn't even see himself living the rest of his life like this... this overwhelming sense of touch that leaves his skin feeling like it was ripped and frayed over and over again. All he wants to do is to hide beneath these bed covers for the rest of his life and never do anything, never have the chance to feel anything ever again. It's too much for him to handle. He has already proven himself to be weak. Noiz thinks of himself when he was a child, all alone in that room begging and crying for his mother to let him out, then giving up because there was nothing. Nothing would happen and no one would save him and this... this was the same. He couldn't be saved. Not by his parents, who finally got what they wanted. Not his brother who probably didn't even remember he existed anymore. And not Koujaku.

The quiet stretches for far too long. He licks his lips in nervousness, and then speaks.

“...Thanks for... you know,” Noiz mumbles as he brings his hands up, waving the bandaged up hand. “so.. thanks.”

“Yeah...” Koujaku whispers into his neck, a soft sigh escapes him and it makes Noiz shiver. “Of course... always, stupid brat...”

“Heheh...” Noiz can't help but laugh. It sounds strangely like a sob. He stops it by biting his lip as hard as he can. It hurts but if there's something he has learned since this mess started is that pain is a good distraction. He takes his time to gather up his thoughts and Koujaku lets him without pressuring him. “You would say that... so...”

“If you don't want to talk about it now... I get it.” It's a way out and he wants to take it. He really fucking does, but something in him finally snaps. No more running.

“No... I...I have to, don't I?” The older man pulls his arms back but Noiz stops him from moving and wraps the larger arms around his smaller figure. This feels nice. And he doesn't have to look at Koujaku. After all this, Noiz needs at least some comfort. “No just... stay like this?”

“Okay.” Noiz nods and half hides his face into the pillow. The words come out easier than he thought they would.

“I can feel.” He pauses for a moment. “Sorta.”

The other man says nothing but his body stiffens up behind him. “What?”

“I can feel a little... or a lot. Depends. Like now,” he drags a hand down to toward one of Koujaku's. “I can... feel this. In parts.” Koujaku doesn't say anything and the pause is just too long for Noiz to not continue. He isn't sure if the older man is giving him time to explain or just quiet because he doesn't know what to say. “Like, sometimes I feel things with one body part but then later I don't.” Still nothing. “I... can feel your hands on my stomach... and... a-and I can feel them with my hand right now but your legs... touching mine, I guess it's like, numb? I feel parts of it. But it comes and goes 'cause sometimes I can feel things on my legs too and then my hands don't feel. It's weird-” Koujaku lets go of Noiz and sits up on the bed. The blond would be discouraged and maybe a little scared if it wasn't for the fact that Koujaku is still pressing his body against his, followed by a hesitant hand coming to rest on his hair.

“You... you can feel me?”

“A little... or a lot... depends, it's random right now.”

“Right now?”

“The doctor told me things could change... or maybe not. I dunno, he isn't sure either.”

They stay silent and still as Koujaku absorbs all this information. Noiz pulls at his tongue piercing with his teeth wanting a distraction from this awkwardness.

“So... um, how is this... happening?” Koujaku asks and looks at him for the first time. Noiz stares back and tries to swallow through the lump in his throat.

“Doctor didn't know. He's still trying to find out.”

“For... for how long has this...?”

“Less than a month... it was really, really small stuff before... when I went out of town is when things started to get... get serious or stronger, I guess.”

“...brat.”

“I have no idea what's happening anymore... it's weird. Not just this but like, I dunno, how it's there and then it's not.”

“Noiz.” Koujaku's voice is desperate but Noiz won't let him continue.

“Stupid doctor is so useless, he can't figure out what's going on and I just want to know if it's always going to be like this or whatever.” Keep talking. “It's not like it bothers me or anything but I just want to know 'cause it's annoying-”  
“Fucking hell Noiz, just shut the fuck up and let me talk.”

“...”

“Noiz... yesterday...”

_No._

“Did you... I mean, could you-”

Noiz isn't looking at him. He refuses to look at Koujaku. There's nothing in this world that could make him look up and see whatever look would be there. Koujaku isn't stupid. Noiz might tease him and call him that just to piss him off, but Noiz knows that Koujaku isn't dumb. He's probably figured it out, he's probably running through what they did last night, of Noiz's reaction and his outburst in the bathroom.

“Noiz...”

“It isn't-”  
“I hurt you.” Koujaku's voice quivers, he pulls his hand away from his hair. The hard line of his body isn't leaving Noiz's side but it's not comforting or warm anymore. “Shit... Noiz-”

“No.” He says that with as much conviction as he can because he refuses to let Koujaku take the fall for this. He all but jumps on the older man, as much as his sore body lets him.“I didn't say anything. I... I should have told you...” Despite not wanting to look, Noiz does raise his eyes towards the other man and panics when he sees a thin layer of tears wanting to spill down. This is what he was dreading. “Don't do this.”

“F-fuck...”

“Koujaku.” Noiz barely ever says his name. It is rarely used. But when he does say it, it's always serious, it's always when Noiz needs him to pay attention. It's important. The older man catches his name and looks up at Noiz. He might actually be crying now but at least he's looking at the blond. It's enough. “It wasn't your fault.”

Koujaku stares at him and snorts.

“This.... this is so fucked up.”

Noiz couldn't agree more.

-

They talk it out. It takes hours, mostly because they would stay quiet for long periods of time. They don't touch and looking at one another is kept to a minimum, but they get through it enough. A part of Koujaku's past comes to light. Sort of. The man keeps it vague – something about hurting someone without meaning to (actually, Noiz is suspecting it goes beyond 'hurting' but he won't push), and it explains so much about the older man.

“I'll help you.” Koujaku says that with such devotion, it makes Noiz's chest hurt. It's enough to make him think things would be okay, that he can get through this without anymore drama.

-

He's wrong.

 

 

 


End file.
